


even though our love is doomed

by sweetheartbitterheart



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pseudo-Incest, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-06 04:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18380630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartbitterheart/pseuds/sweetheartbitterheart
Summary: Vanya had her soulmate for the first thirteen years of her life. It wasn't always perfect but it was hers. It seemed a cruel joke that even though everyone in the world had a soulmate, hers was one who could time travel.





	1. even though our stars are crossed

**Author's Note:**

> I already had an idea for a soulmate AU and then i saw a soulmate prompt on umbrellakink, so I got a little more inspired. In this story, Vanya and Allison are bit closer even while growing up (maybe partially because Five disappears and so Vanya is extra sad). Everyone is aware Vanya and Five are soulmates.
> 
> Title from the song by Garbage

Reginald Hargreeves had been decidedly irritated over the fact all seven of the children he adopted had soulmarks. It was a subject they had learned never to discuss, at least not in front of him, or even Pogo. But between each other sometimes they would ask or try to get a look. Klaus would sometimes lovingly stroke the mark etched into his ribs. Allison had been caught more than once staring in the mirror at the mark on shoulder. Vanya often rubbed the mark on her wrist especially when their father was being particularly cruel.

The only one seemingly annoyed with their soulmarks and the idea of soulmates in general was Five. He found the whole thing illogical and would scowl even at the barest mention of soulmates. Sometimes he would rant about it, books about philosophy and quantum physics thrown about his room.

"I just don't get why it makes you so angry," Vanya sighed.

"Loss of free will," he shot back, "It reduces us to some cosmic joke."

She sighed again but continued to listen Five's theories.

Neither of them really talked about their own marks, or the spark of warmth they felt each time they grasped hands or brushed past each other.

Ben had been the first to talk to her about her mark. "It's a V. Like the first letter of your name. That's kinda funny." Vanya had blushed, feeling embarrassed, but Ben smiled apologetically, "It's kinda cool too though."

She smiled sheepishly, "I think it looks like a Roman numeral."

Ben caught her eye before glancing down at her mark again. "Yeah, I can see that," he said, giving her hand a small squeeze.

Sometime, weeks after Vanya had let Ben seen her soulmark, she and Five had been reading in the library when Five brought it up. He somehow knew Ben had seen hers and seemed to be curious now himself. Vanya was equally confused and pleased. Five had never shown any interest in seeing any of their soulmarks, as if they were beneath him.

He was looking at her expectantly, "Come on, Vanya. I'm curious. Ease my inquisitive mind."

"You'll make fun of me," she countered.

He gave her a quizzical look. "Have I ever made fun of you?" _No, he hadn't._

Cautiously, Vanya scooted closer to him on the sofa they had been sharing. She pulled back the sleeve of her jacket to reveal the 'V' on her wrist. Without much warning, Five reached out and grazed the mark with his thumb. She watched him with wide eyes.

"Interesting," he murmured.

Five had been rid of his own jacket hours ago and Vanya could just barely make out the shape of what looked like a musical note on the inside of his forearm. Her heart leapt. She was then very aware of Five watching her.

"Vanya," he breathed her name.

"Five," she kept her voice steady. She could be brave in this moment. "Are you mine?"

His blue eyes flickered with something she didn't recognize. "I believe so," he said softly, his voice lacking its usual self-assured cadence.

She blushed and opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Klaus and Ben tumbling into the library, breathless and laughing. The tender moment Vanya and Five had shared dissipated immediately.

They never officially finished their conversation but there was an understanding between them. Vanya felt like she actually had a connection with another person for the first time in her life, her favorite person. More often than not Five would grab a hold of her hand for the briefest moment and brush his thumb over her mark. The others noticed, most notably Ben and Allison, but they never said anything. Vanya wondered if they didn't want to be on the receiving end of Five's wrath. He could be quite cruel when he wanted to be.

Five had been pushing himself further and further. His spatial jumps were impeccable and he grew obsessive about time-travelling. He had all these grand plans in his head, and they seemed to all include Vanya. She still remembered the determined look in his eyes as he told her his plan to tell Hargreeves he was ready, and how he pressed a quick, unsteady kiss to her lips before jumping back to his own room.

The next day he disappeared forever, and Vanya's heart felt like it was cracking open and splintering everywhere.

-

It was said you could live without a soulmate, live a full life regardless. Vanya had read several books on the subject in dealing with her own grief and frustration. Still, there would be weeks where all she felt was an overbearing loss. Even the anxiety medication she'd been taking since she was a child could not lift the fog of grief and longing.

After Five disappeared Allison had started acting much more like a sister, Vanya was never completely sure of the reason behind the change of heart but welcomed it nonetheless. Usually, Vanya would call Allison when the depression came pressing in, and her sister would simply ask her about her violin, how her students were doing, what she was gonna eat for dinner. Allison would then talk about her own life, an adorable thing Claire did or an annoying thing Patrick did, about scripts she was being sent. It distracted Vanya and soon enough she'd be able to breathe again without feeling a crushing weight on her chest.

She was functioning, mostly. That was, until her father died and Five came falling back into their lives in his thirteen-year-old body. He was the same, and yet not, wearing an ill-fitting suit and unkempt hair but still a boyish face.

Vanya could feel eyes on her but she could only look at Five, completely paralyzed. Her heart leapt at the sight of him but her mind was running amok with anguish.

She listened as he casually talked about a shitty future and ate his peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich. She knew he kept glancing at her, as he always had before, but her eyes wouldn't meet his. It was too much. It was just too much. She got up from the kitchen table and left without a backwards glance.

-

She wasn't surprised to see him in her apartment already before she entered.

"Really?" she asked, taking off her coat and gloves, "What are you doing here?"

He furrowed his brow, slightly startled by the briskness in her voice. "You left without saying goodbye."

She took a deep breath and looked away from him. She did not want to cry in front of him. She had not cried over him in years and would be damned if she did it again now. His eyes were trained on her, drinking in her, and he was sitting so still.

"You're the only one I can trust," he said it so matter-of-factly, and her heart stuttered.

"Why me?" She needed to ask. She wanted some sort of confirmation.

Five looked stricken for a moment but recovered quickly. "Because… you know why."

There was blood on the collar of his shirt and some more smeared across his hand. Vanya took in the way he held his right arm. "Hold on," she said and disappeared into the bathroom for gauze and rubbing alcohol.

Quietly and carefully, she took a hold of Five's arm and cleaned his wound. She tried not to touch his skin directly but her hands kept shaking. Once she was done and ready to pull away, Five grasped her hands.

"Vanya," his voice still sounded the same but there was a new weight to it. He actually looked apologetic and it was such a strange sight. Vanya couldn't remember a time when he had ever appeared sorry or humble. It didn't match his nature. Yet here and now, his jaw was clenched and his eyes kept shifting from her eyes to their entwined hands.

"I shouldn't ha-" he took a breath, "I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'll never stop being sorry."

Vanya blinked, once again tears were welling in her eyes.

"You were alone? In the future?" She wasn't sure what possessed her to ask, but some angry, vengeful part of her wanted to know that he had suffered alone just as she had.

Five shifted in her arm chair. "Yes, at first, but… then there was Dolores."

Vanya's chest felt tight. "Dolores?"

"Yeah, but Vanya, it wasn't-" He cut himself off and made a pained noise. "It was different. There was nothing left. The whole world was empty. I looked for you everywhere but never found you. I was completely alone, until I found Dolores." Vanya made a move to stand up but Five's hold on her hands only tightened. "A department store mannequin was my only source of company."

She released a breath and hung her head. "Why didn't you come back?" She hated how she sounded, pathetic and needy and so sad.

"Don't you think I tried?" he nearly shouted. "I tried every goddamn day. Forty-five years just being alone and lost, being half a person. All I could think about was getting back here, to you." He had started rubbing his fingers over her knuckles and his thumb briefly brushed her soulmark.

She reluctantly pulled away to stand up. "Okay, okay," she said. "This… is a lot to take in."

Five was staring at her. "Vanya, I'm gonna need your help."

Her brow furrowed. "Five, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow. Actually, maybe you should go." She knew her words hurt him but she needed time to deal with this.

"You want me to go?" He sounded angry.

"Five, you just showed up out of the blue. I never thought I'd see you again and now you're telling me the apocalypse is coming. How am _I_ supposed to help you with that? It's a lot." Her words came out in a rush and Five's jaw started to clench again.

"Vanya-"

She cut him off, "Just because we're soulmates doesn't mean we have to be close, or together even. Look at Allison and Luther."

"And how happy are they?" He bit out.

Maybe Vanya was still hurting from all the years alone and wanted to punish Five, like she had been when he'd recklessly run off to time travel. She shook her head, blinking to stop the flow of tears threatening to fall. Five was standing up and reaching out towards her. She stepped back.

"Please go," she said quietly.

Five made a frustrated noise and took another step towards her. "Vanya."

"Please."

There was a long moment of silence then a flash of blue as Five jumped out of her apartment. Vanya released a sob.

-

Five kicked himself for how he handled speaking to Vanya again. Forty-five years apart and he somehow forgot how to speak to his favorite person. He had missed her, achingly so. Reading and rereading her book had been an exquisite form of torture he inflicted upon himself.

He just needed to stop the apocalypse and save his family ( _save Vanya_ ) then they'd have all the time in the world to get reacquainted and sort out feelings. He knew things would be different, the time for intimacy between them was surely gone but there might still be a chance of some closeness, even as friends, even as family, as much as it pained him.

Every time Allison approached him to talk about Vanya, he'd brushed her off, intent on stopping the world from ending. It was a spectacularly stupid decision he'd made, because by staying away from Vanya, it allowed the perfect opportunity for Harold Jenkins to clamber into her life and use her insecurities to manipulate her. Five wished he had killed the bastard himself.

-

Vanya's playing was beautiful. She stood tall and sure of herself, and Five found it hard to look away from her. He shouldn't have stayed away from her. He should've refused to leave her apartment that first night he got back and groveled at her feet. He had let her down again.

"I can't do this," he said quietly.

Five could hear his brothers going on about the right way to take Vanya down. Allison was watching them with pleading eyes.

Diego turned to him. "What?"

"I can't do this," he repeated, "I won't."

Luther and Diego both started yelling again. Allison nodded at him; a look of gratitude evident on her face. Klaus kept pacing. Before the rest of them could cause any further damage, Five jumped. He jumped right into Vanya, his best friend, his favorite person.

They tumbled to the ground and Vanya's power expanded. Great white light erupted, the ceiling of the theater exploded and their siblings were pushed to the ground by an invisible force. Five hardly paid attention. When he collided into her, Vanya landed hard on the hardwood floor and was unconscious. He tenderly touched her head, brushed some hair away from her face. The steady rise and fall of her chest eased some tension out of him.

Allison and Klaus had run up to the stage and were hovering. Allison dropped to the floor and held Vanya's hands in her own, unshed tears in her eyes. Klaus touched Five's shoulder.

"Hey, you did it," he said. "You saved us, and the world."

Five only sighed. It didn't feel like he had. He was exhausted. The only thing he wanted to do was have a stiff drink and hug Vanya for an indeterminate amount of time.

"Uh, guys?" Diego's concerned voice brought him back to the situation at hand.

Five followed Diego and Luther's eyeline. The Icarus Theater now had a large hole in their ceiling and it took him a few seconds to notice the craters falling from the sky. Vanya had struck the moon with her powers, powers which Five didn't completely understand what they consisted of, and now it was crumbling right before their eyes. He hadn't stopped the apocalypse. He hadn't saved anyone.

Voices were being raised, but Five didn't listen to what they were saying. His thoughts were spinning faster than they ever had. Stealing a glance at Vanya's still form in Allison's arms, he ran a hand through his hair. He touched the soulmark on his forearm.

"Shut up everybody! Listen to me," he put as much authority in his voice as he could. Surprisingly, they all quieted. "This doesn't have to be the end. I think I have a way outta here. We use my ability to time travel. But this time, I'll take you with me."

They stared. Allison and Klaus eagerly agreed, Diego not far behind, and Luther looked conflicted for a moment before nodding. Klaus got a confirmation from Ben as well.

"Okay, great. Luther, grab Vanya," he ordered.

Luther did as he was told. "Wait, should we be taking her?" he asked, awkwardly holding her in his giant arms.

Five scowled at him and Luther actually had the decency to look ashamed. "We're not leaving her. The apocalypse will always happen, and Vanya will always be the cause, unless we take her with us," he said.

All six of them clasped hands, Five tilted his head upwards, and then he pushed them all back in time.


	2. even though we're all messed up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this Monday but life stuff got in the way. Then I was worried about how to end it, so i kept trying to re-write certain parts and got too into my own head. This isn't as angsty as the first part.

They fit back into their thirteen-year-old selves fairly well. Five was mostly just relieved that everyone ended up there all in one piece. When they first arrived in the past, no one said anything about the way he hovered over Vanya, how he orbited her like she was the sun. They had been admittedly a little awkward when she first woke up, sobbing and objects around the room starting to shake. A few comforting words from Allison and Vanya shuddered, burrowing herself in her sister's arms, panic abating for the time being.

Vanya locked eyes with Five over Allison's shoulder, whimpered, "Please don't leave again."

Five walked forward on unsteady feet. "I won't, I won't," he promised.

His words seemed to reassure her, because Vanya simply sighed and nodded. Five had so many things to make up for and the most important one being Vanya. He needed to be there for her, listen to her, love her. Vanya was strong, had always been strong, even if she didn't believe it, but Five did. She would never be alone again.

-

Vanya was still nervous and quiet, especially under their father's cruel and watchful eyes. She was a skittish thing, only now there was an added weight of guilt keeping her head down. The biggest drawback of time-traveling was that they once again had to obey their dad's rules and suffer his training and abuse. More than anything, Five wanted to forgo his own training to just spend alone time with Vanya. She'd sigh and get this adorably confused look on her face, but she'd eventually relax around him. He knew the guilt was eating away at her. He only needed to find the proper way to convince her none of them were angry with her, Allison and himself especially.

It was difficult but they were trying, all of them, and slowly but surely, they were making a difference. Vanya was weaning herself off her medication, doing it in a way that didn't raise suspicion from Dad, Mom or Pogo. The things that kept her calm were Allison's encouraging smiles and hugs when their father wasn't looking and Five's mere presence.

During mealtimes Five would always reach for her hand under the table and rub soothing circles into her skin. Vanya would keep her face perfectly impassive. He would brush his thumb along her soulmark, and slowly her face would turn red. Touching was a still a struggle for the both of them, even the briefest of the contact seemed to send a jolt through both their bodies. Nevertheless Five couldn't help but revel in being able to touch her again. He thought he had lost that privilege long ago.

Each of them took turns training Vanya's powers, always at different times in different locations, as to not get detected by Dad. Strangely, she was doing best with Diego and Ben. Diego seemed to be taking it to heart that he needed to act like a big brother, so in his usual awkward Diego manner, he started teaching Vanya breathing techniques, helping her direct her emotions, giving her some confidence. Five wasn't jealous, per se, but it did sting a little that Vanya was more than comfortable with Diego giving her gentle pats of encouragement, while every time he touched her, she shivered.

Klaus had caught him staring at Vanya training with both Diego and Luther. So far, he was surprised nothing had blown up yet and no one was bleeding.

"How you feeling, little bro?" Klaus's all too cheerful voice pulling Five out of his brooding.

He levelled an unimpressed look at Klaus, "I'm literally decades older than you."

Klaus waved him off. "Pish posh, you don't look it."

Five rolled his eyes, but Klaus either didn't notice or chose to ignore it. "I just meant you seem a little on edge, Number Five," he said, then waggled his eyebrows and ducked his head in direction of Vanya. Five's glared darkened.

"I figured our dear Vanya would be pretty keen on having you around this time. I can't help but notice that you two don't seem as close." Despite his teasing tone, Five knew Klaus was coming from a place of genuine concern.

When Five didn't respond immediately, Klaus continued on, "I may not know many thing, I'll be the first to say that, but I know Vanya loves you and I know you love her. Beyond the whole soulmates thing." His brother's words were so kind, his face open and hopeful, and it made something churn in Five's chest. God, he had missed family.

Five could only nod. "Thanks Klaus," he cringed at the sound of his voice, cracked and unsteady.

-

A fortnight passed before Five grew so irritable, over their father's vigorous training, his siblings squabbling, Vanya's skittish behavior, that he knew he needed to speak with Vanya. Sometimes he could hold her hand and she was okay, happy even, but then other times her face would become distressed and she'd completely retreat into herself. He was trying to act as if his whole entire being wasn't bleeding with longing.

Five knew Ben and Vanya were studying in the library, so he waited in her room until they were finished. Nearly pacing the floorboard through, he took in all Vanya's small possessions. They made feel strangely lonely. He stared at her music stand and thumbed through the sheets of music there.

"Oh!" Vanya's voice came out as a surprised squeak. She pressed a hand over her heart.

As if there was a magnetic force pulling him forward, Five walked to stand directly in front of her. "I wanted to talk," he said, face neutral and his tone soft.

There was a dusting of pink on Vanya's cheeks. She stepped fully into her room, shut the door then leaned against it. She looked as nervous as he felt. "Okay," her lips quirked upward the tiniest bit as she spoke.

Deciding to take a risk, Five stepped in even closer to her, the heat of his body seeping into hers. Her blushed deepened. He desperately wanted to feel her warm skin. "Vanya," he started, locking eyes with her, "I know things are different now, better perhaps, and I only want…" Why was speaking his emotions out loud so difficult? Even with his Vanya? He coughed. "I hoped we'd be able to be close again. All I want is to be close to you," his last words fizzled out, a pitiful plea that bruised his pride. Five wasn't exactly sure what he would do if Vanya flat out refused him.

Feeling the knot of worry inside stomach tightening as he dread what she would say.

Vanya's eyes surveyed his face before she replied, "I was surprised you stayed." She almost looked embarrassed.

"I promised you I would," he said through gritted teeth, trying not to shout.

"You've promised that before, and broke it," she shot back. There was a tinge of anger slipping into her voice and her stance. No longer was she holding her arms around herself, her hands were at her sides clenched tightly.

Rage rushed through him. Rage at himself, at her, at fucking Reginald Hargreeves, at the Commission and the Handler, at his own goddamn hubris. Raking a hand through his hair, he turned away from Vanya. She was silent in her own anger but he could still feel her eyes on his back. Five had half a mind to jump from her room to his own and devour the entire bottle of whiskey he snatched from the liquor cabinet. Except he could still hear Vanya's frustrated breathing. He wasn't giving up after four decades alone, pining away for her, and two disastrous timelines.

Five wasn't completely sure what he was going to say before his mouth got ahead of him. "I always knew you were mine," he said, "I always knew you were it for me." He turned back to face Vanya again. She was staring, wide-eyed and wringing her hands together.

"I never needed some brand on my skin to tell me that I love you. I just do. That has never changed."

The air in the room was charged. Minutes passed. They stood watching each other. Five needed Vanya to understand. She was his other half. He was here and he wouldn't leave without her.

"You shouldn't have left," she finally said.

And with that, Five felt the fight leave him. His heart cried out the truth through his throat, "I know. I know that."

One minute Vanya was leaning against her bedroom door the next her hands were on his face, her body pressed against his, her lips upon his.

Five became lost in her. In the feel of her on him, the sheer joy of her attention and affection. It had been so, so long since he'd felt her and held her. So many years, time lost between them he thought they'd never get back. But Vanya was here, and Five had her, and he found himself silently calling out to the universe to just let him have this one thing, just let him have her forever.

Vanya pulled back fractionally from their kiss just to feel him chase her mouth, press forward and catch her bottom lip between his teeth. He was a bit of a feral thing. He bit her lip tentatively, and she made an embarrassing noise, tried to pull him closer.

"Five," she whimpered against his mouth, "I missed you so much."

"I'm never going to leave you again, understand?" His tone _soft, soft, soft_ , as it always had been with her. He waited for her to nod before capturing her mouth again in a fierce kiss that brought tears to her eyes. Tears she valiantly forced back.

They were both a little clumsy with their kissing, neither fully comfortable in their old young bodies, but the desire and the warmth was still the same. Five had believed for the longest time that he would never get to have this, have Vanya, that he'd never get to properly kiss her, hold her, discover her body as she discovered his. Now they had time. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon kissing and clinging to each other. Slowly getting reacquainted with one another. Vanya still felt the weight of destroying the world in the other timeline but Five was steadfast in his belief that she'd learn to control her powers and that she wouldn't get left behind.

Bringing her wrist to his mouth, he pressed a gentle kiss to her soulmark. Her pulse jumped and he smirked against her skin.

Five could rant about soulmates being a big cosmic joke all he wanted, but he had Vanya, so how could he complain? They were intrinsically tied and he was more than happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish the ending was better but i really struggled trying to find a good last line.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read this, left comments and kudos! It really warms my heart 😊


End file.
